I have been searching for an answer to this question for some time, I don’t have a clear answer. However, I am learning more each day. I used to have such a hard time finding my place in this world, I defined myself in everyone around me. I wasn’t necessarily trying to copy the world around me, but I definitely wanted its approval. I have found myself in some ways through writing and sharing on this blog, in the wee hours of January last year, I knew this was the way to give me a voice that I wanted to share, I just took a while to discover it.
I have had my fair share of ups and downs in this life, I began as an adorable Bible toting Sunday school kid. If you call adorable; frizzy hair, homeade sweatshirts and extra large Sally Jesse Raphael glasses. Then I was it! 😉 Somewhere in my teenage years, I began to want to fit in. And I tried that route for the better part of a decade, I did my fair share of sampling all the world had to offer. While I did make some fun memories, gained lifetime friends and most importantly turned a best friend into a husband, it was a lot of trying times that I put myself through. I never found what I was searching for to make me happy, I tried a lot of different things to fill that void. I remained a “Christian” on paper, but I did not have a personal relationship with Christ. I only called Him when I needed Him. Like when I was going into a test that I never studied for, or when I was lost, or when I wanted things to swing my way. I think I would occasionally get mad at Him when I didn’t get my way.
I never shared Him, I kept Him in a small place in my heart. I can’t say when I started to see Jesus differently, it just happened. I think it was one of those times when I really needed Him. I would occasionally see Him work and then when I grew distant again I would wonder where He was , when I was the one wandering off all of the time. However, He has always been there, it was me who had to invite Him instead of keeping Him on the sidelines. If were talking football terms, which somehow I just did that, ha. Then I have made Him the quarterback, He is the one calling all of the plays and I am just going with it.
I did cry out to Him when Cobe had a seizure a year and a half ago, I needed Him. I counted on Him, He came through. Cobe is perfectly healthy. I liked how that looked and felt. As I’ve shared many times before about our last few years, we needed God in mighty ways, while He was answering prayers in ways we couldn’t understand at times, He was still working on our behalf. Now, I can clearly see that, it started a trust in God that I hadn’t known before, or if I had then I had forgotten about it.
So, I needed Him and He was there for me. I had been doing everything on my own prior to that, using my own strengths and wearing my family out I’m sure. Let’s all face it, the saying says “If Momma aint happy, then no ones happy”, that is so true. I wasn’t necessarily unhappy, but I wasn’t happy either. I was in a real struggle to give up my old way of thinking, my old way of doing things, to submit my life to someone who I couldn’t even convince to some of my friends even existed. Well I finally did it! I had to have God as the leader of my life, the ruler of my marriage and family. It just happened, I was tired of having one foot out and the other foot in. I had to go all in. I was so worried about what a small handful of people would feel, it sounds so crazy to even admit that but its true.
So, here we are. Here I am, what is my purpose in life? It is ever changing, my main goal is to love everyone I meet. To hear both sides of the story, to love before anything and not cast judgment. To share about the love and freedom that I feel in my life, to make the world a better place one day at a time. Some days are more eventful than others, some days I am just surviving. However, I have a love in my heart that is contagious, its infectious. I don’t want to be another statistic or fit into a small window, I want to stand out and be bold in my faith. I want others to feel and experience the love I have by sharing it! So, I am a full time employee in the Kingdom of God. I don’t know what that job will entail everyday and sadly sometimes I miss out on the blessings that are in store for me because of the noise of the world. I try hard to stay interconnected to God, I don’t always get it right and that is okay. The fact that I get up each new day and put my best effort forward is good enough for Him.
So besides the obvious titles I hold, a wife, a mother, a sister, a sister-n-law, a daughter, a daughter-n-law, an aunt, a great-aunt, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a neighbor, a youth leader, I am God’s! Being God’s makes each day an adventure, I really never know where that will lead me, it’s challenging, it’s scary, it’s freeing, it’s fun! Just as all of my other relationships are these things as well. I just never know what life will bring and that is the beauty of it all for me. Living on Love…
Who in the world are you? I challenge you to seriously ask yourself that question, think about it and write it down. Claim that for your life. Be who you were created to be and don’t be anyone else. It is so awesome.